Welcome to Stayache Tataland – A Beasty Fear Tail

In Stayache Tataland there lived a Jersey Heard of cows whose calves were all slender and shapely, well suited for supporting plump bovine figures. Each day, Mercedes, Lexus, Sapphire, Paradise, Champagne, and Swantina worked out on the pole to keep the hump in their rumps. These were young heifers and for them it was all about cows gone wild and partying.

Mercedes, Lexus, Sapphire, Paradise, Champagne, and Swantina were all Jersey cows. They wanted to separate themselves from other wannabe heifers in Stayache Tataland. After much cud chewing around the Versace salt lick they agreed to call themselves the Jersey Heard. The name stuck and whenever Lupo gave orders the cows would say hhheard. The girls loved to use cow slang and thought the word moo to be so 80’s barnyard. In their opinion a Heard bull sounded more sinister than a Moo bull and that was that.

The entire barnyard knew, that the Jersey Heard were udderly mafia, and had weaves and braids in their tails for gangsta swishing. The Jersey Heard operated outside the law, so they were constantly checking each other for bugs and low life insects like the cow fly. Cow flies were well known snitches: and divided their time equally between dumpster diving and spying on Lupo, the Jersey Heard bull.

However their days as paid informants for the Holstein police were numbered.  They ratted out Lupo to the cops. The media were all news hounds and turned his arrest into a circus event and sold tickets to the show. Lupo, was facing a 10 year bid in the cattle pen as the reputed head and horns of an organized crime family and had to shell out a huge pile of bull sheets to post bail. The Holstein police with hundreds of witnesses, figured they had an airtight pillow case against Lupo.  This made him as mad as a bull in a china shop and he ordered a hit on all the cow flies in Stayache Tataland.

It  was time  for some wet work and the  Jersey cows, with their gangsta swishes, wacked so many cow flies, that the few who were left had to be relocated under the GNAT witness protection program. They were moved in the dead of night by a Fly SWAT team and given new identities like horse fly, blow fly, and fruit fly. Some were so scared, they left Stayache Tataland altogether and moved to Africa using forged passports. They called themselves the Tsetse flies in honor of their new homeland.

Lupo was acquitted of all charges and his Jersey Heard bought him a platinum nose ring as a welcome home present. Platinum, was the most expensive ring that bull sheet could buy and all the cows loved Lupo’s new bling bling look.

Now as we all know, the Jersey Heard cows were udderly mafia and heavily involved in organized crime. They specialized in the milk business and had their hooves in an extortion ring that controlled milk production from Stayache Tataland to Moo York and parts of Filly.

They sold their milk at exorbitant prices to the doggie cookie manufacturers. The manufactures were all weasels and knew the Jersey Heard was running a milk and cookie rip-off. They tried to weasel out of paying up, but Lupo ordered a couple of skunks to do a drive-by one night. The press raised a big stink about the whole affair and the next day’s newspaper headlines read “Moo York Gripped by Fear as Drive-By Claims Another Weasel”. At the crime scene the Holstein police found chocolate chip spent shells everywhere. After that, the bull sheets flowed like melted butter and turned Lupo and the Jersey Heard into cash money millionaires.

The weasels had no choice; doggie cookies were popular puppy snacks, with one major drawback. They were as hard as nails. Pooches everywhere were losing teeth which is embarrassing because they looked like gummi bears.  Sales took a nose dive. In 2008 the R& D department came up with a solution. They put a surgeon general’s warning  on the package which made it illegal for puppies to buy them without I.D.  This didn’t work, some Siberian Huskies started a smuggling operation from Canada in what the newspapers dubbed the underground cookie trail.

The industry had run out of ideas. To solve the problem the weasels hired some of Stayache Tataland’s brightest minds to find a solution. They watched episodes of Jackass for inspiration, (yes they were all donkeys). They were under tremendous pressure and after the 28th episode a fight broke out. To this day no knows how the fight started, but a horsefly claims that Foo Donkey kicked Bo Donkey in the head and turned him into a Zebra. Bo Donkey was clocked cold turkey and woke up the next day, calling himself cookies and cream. Word of the fight spread and Bo Donkey now Cookies and Cream became the butt of every Hee Haw joke in Stayache Tataland.  This was a public relations nightmare for the entire cookie industry and once again the news hounds, turned the entire debacle into a circus event and sold tickets to the show.

Cookies and cream ended up on Youtube and became an instant celebrity. The weasels knew a good thing when they saw it and Bo donkey was paid a lot of bull sheets to become the industry spokesperson. A new cookie line and marketing campaign was created. Oreo cookies became a best seller and the cookies with milk marketing campaign turned puppies everywhere into lap dogs.

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